TLV Inbox

[greatoldjohn]

[in a rather deep voice] "This is John Doe. Please leave your message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I may respond in text if I'm currently with Arthur. Apologies."

Now Moved To: Inbox: Act II - please tag in there!

Comments

Re: cw suicidal ideation / suicide mention

[greatoldjohn]

[ You don't know that. You know the last thing he said to you.

Did it ever occur to you that he might have been trying to do for you what you tried to do for me? ]

[pitofguilt]

[ She shakes her head. ]

I think he did it because he knew the only way he could live in peace for the rest of his life was without us in it. Without me.

[greatoldjohn]

[ And you're sure that isn't your own guilt and self-hatred talking in his voice? ]

[pitofguilt]

He died clean. He stayed clean by himself. I didn't. I couldn't. If he...

[ More tears; this is the first time she's actually talked about him, not about his death.

A deep, shaky breath, then-- ] If he hadn't left the way he did, I don't think he would've managed it.

[greatoldjohn]

[It's possible it was both. That he recognized you weren't good for him the same way he wasn't good for you.]

[ He doesn't actually sound like he's reaching, more like he's thinking back on his own experience, his own choices. ]

[It's not easy to be the person to move forward from a back and forth. But you don't just do it for yourself. If he was with you for as long as he was, I can't imagine there wasn't some... caring in the gesture from his side as well.]

[pitofguilt]

[ She leans her head back against the wall, glad she can't see right now. It's relaxing to have one less sense, that much less information to process right now. Like this, it's easy for her to realize that what Travis did almost exactly what she was going for by shooting Arthur. ]

I miss him so much. And I would've missed you too if you'd decided to write me off.

[ Shauna told her that she needed to start forgiving Travis. Natalie sees now that she does need to do that, but not for his death; no, she needs to forgive him for doing the right thing for himself, if no one else, and for both of them. ]

[greatoldjohn]

[I don't want you to miss me, Natalie. Even before we were paired... there was a wall between us. I could tell. You didn't want to let me close. But I kept talking to you, hoping we could be friends.

Getting your file was one of the happiest days to me. Because now, I could help you. ]

A short pause.

[One day, before we part ways, I hope you get to see yourself the way I see you.]

[pitofguilt]

I don't let people in if I can help it.

[ Which he knows, because he has her file. He knows everything, so there should be no fear of being open with him. It's still terrifying, but it has to be better than stealing a gun in the hopes of building all those walls again. ]

I don't think I will. I don't think I can. [ She remembers what she said earlier, though. ] But that's just where I am right now.

[greatoldjohn]

There's a long pause.

[Right. And there'll be times, I'm sure, where you feel even worse.

But we'll get there.

I know we will.]

[pitofguilt]

At least one of them does. At least one person, someone who wasn't there, believes in her. It's a new feeling, and it's frightening, but she won't run from it. She might hiss and scream at it, but she won't run.

"I'm sorry I shot Arthur."

[greatoldjohn]

[I'm sorry you felt you needed to. But for my part, I forgive you, Natalie.]

More gently-

[We'll do better next time.]

[pitofguilt]

It sounds like he means it. It feels like he means it, and that's also new and strange and frightening. She wipes at her eyelashes, sniffling, and nods.

"Yeah. We will."