TLV Inbox

[greatoldjohn]

[in a rather deep voice] "This is John Doe. Please leave your message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I may respond in text if I'm currently with Arthur. Apologies."

Now Moved To: Inbox: Act II - please tag in there!

Comments

[pitofguilt]

That's weirdly encouraging.

[ And it isn't bullshit. No coddling, no blaming one side of the other on this. She appreciates that. ]

Done it for Arthur, or with him? You were both the asshole, weren't you.

[greatoldjohn]

[... I have the opportunity for reflection more often than he does. So I try to help out that way.]

[pitofguilt]

[ Right, okay, that was nosy of her. She murmurs ] Sorry [ and nods. Arthur sleeps, and John doesn't. That's a lot of extra time to think. ]

Thanks, by the way. For... listening. And helping. I don't do this a lot.

[ More like "at all" but who's keeping score. ]

[greatoldjohn]

[ ...what're you apologizing for? You didn't say anything out of turn. We *are* both assholes. I'm glad, at least, that you understand that. ]

[ There is a sound, a huff, mostly of amusement. ]

[ You're always welcome, Natalie. As many times as you need, whenever you need.

It's not a well, so it can't go dry. And you're independent enough I don't see it ever being a problem.]

[pitofguilt]

Didn't mean to sound like I was prying.

[ She hates it when people do it to her, so she's careful to avoid doing it herself.

Hahaha independent. It's called avoidant attachment. ]

If I come back here upset at some point, assume I tried and it went bad.

[greatoldjohn]

[ ...I literally got a whole file with your entire life in it. You're allowed to ask me about shit. It's fine, really. ]

[ The leg will nudge her again. ]

[ I want you to be prepared for it to go badly. Not like this, where you're being pessimistic. You need to know that your first try is going to be after the thing you said earlier. And she's not going to trust it because it's new and different from how you did things before.

Be prepared for it to go badly. And if you're going to do this, be ready right now to try again. Think of how long it took to get fucked up; it's going to take even longer to fix.

That doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. ]

[pitofguilt]

Yeah. It's worth it.

[ To think that a few months ago, all she wanted was to make Misty leave her the fuck alone for good, and now... well, now she doesn't. ]

I've given her a fake apology before. She'll see this is different, even if she still isn't ready to talk to me for a while after.

[greatoldjohn]

[ You should address those fake apologies too. Talking things out...

It helps. Even if it isn't always enjoyable. ]

[pitofguilt]

We kinda have, a little. Sort of.

...okay, yeah. We should.

[ Does she realize just how much she cares, that this is even on the table? Not really. ]

[greatoldjohn]

[It's hard, and scary, but once you have things settled, you're a lot more comfortable.]

That's Arthur experience taking now.

[pitofguilt]

[ It is scary. It's terrifying. There's no telling how it will go when you let yourself be open like that. The only person she truly been that way with is... gone.

She's not quiet for very long, but John might sense the discomfort that flares in her while she is. ]

Things will change. Hopefully for the better.

[greatoldjohn]

[They've got a better chance of going better if you do this. Don't forget that fact. You don't control the relationship, but you do control how you choose to act towards her. What you choose to tell her.

It's easy to feel powerless, but you're more likely to fuck it up if you do. You're not powerless.

You have a plan and you know what you need and what you want. There will be setbacks, but you know you have me here to help any time you need. And I know you can handle this. ]

[pitofguilt]

[ She crosses her feet, resting her left atop the right, which is currently John's. She's not really sure why, given she's not very touchy most of the time, but there it is, and she's not taking it back. ]

Having a plan and wants and needs kinda feels like I'm going in for a grift.

[ For someone who lives in the gray area of life, that's very a black-and-white way of seeing it. ]

[greatoldjohn]

[Are you going in planning to get what you want and need, regardless of what's good for Misty?]

[ He wiggles her toes a little to nudge her foot in return. He's here.]

[Do you plan to work with her or to manipulate her to end the conflict?

If it's for both of you, and you're working with her with your cards on the table, it isn't a grift.]

[pitofguilt]

Then it's not.

[ She wants to make amends, yes, but... well, maybe she's just not best friend material. Maybe that's okay, though she can't imagine Misty not being hurt by that. Lying and pretending would be worse, though. It's a no-win scenario. Typical. ]

Back when I... attacked Arthur, she wasn't mad I used her. What bothered her was that I lied about why I wanted her to do it.

[greatoldjohn]

[...she should have been mad. Using someone like that isn't right, or good for a relationship.]

[ He wonders if Nat is like him in this way. ]

[Were you mad at yourself about it?]

[pitofguilt]

I regretted it. I still do. I regret all of it. The three of you care about me even when I don't think you should, and I just--

[ Well. He knows what she did. ]

She should've been mad. But Misty doesn't exactly try to meet expectations.

[greatoldjohn]

[You think she was trying to please you? Or soften the blow for you on yourself?]

[pitofguilt]

I don't know. It's hard to guess with her. Maybe she really wasn't mad.

[ Misty is a mystery. ]

Guess we should talk about that too.

[greatoldjohn]

[ Don't worry about doing too many things at once. But keep it in mind for later.

Just because she wasn't mad doesn't mean that's a good thing. ]

A moment of quiet.

[ I did something that I remember now, in the future. It was... really really shitty. And Arthur said he accepted it as a possibility when he gave me the means to do it. But I was still a lot more upset about it than he was.

I think it's because he feels guilty about certain things. Like he deserved it.

He didn't. I panicked and said something shitty. It wasn't about being deserved. And even knowing why he feels that way, I don't agree. I don't want him to think I agree.

I don't want to project on Misty, but I *do* think it's something you should talk about. ]

[pitofguilt]

Hah, if that isn't the most relatable thing she's heard about Arthur.

"Great. Another serious conversation to look forward to." She sighs. "Okay. One thing at a time."

This first thing is going to be hard enough. Being honest? And vulnerable? And open? Terrifying. But the alternative is letting Misty think she doesn't care, and that isn't true.

"Think you'd have less trouble with me if I were eighteen."

[greatoldjohn]

[ And you'd be driven into a gibbering madness if I was what *I* was before. We are who we are now. And if we've changed since then, it means we can keep changing. ]

[pitofguilt]

She almost jokes that she could take the King, but... no. Not if he's what's out there in the woods, if there's anything there at all.

"Choices, right?" He's very firm on the fact that people can choose to be better. That even someone like her can be better. Choosing to talk this out with Misty, when all she wants to do is avoid the topic forever, makes Natalie a little less awful than she was.

"I'm gonna do this before the year is out." A deadline should help keep this in focus.

[greatoldjohn]

[ That's a good idea.

If you don't make the deadline, we set another deadline. And I'll keep you honest. ]

[pitofguilt]

God. Her, honest. The chuckle that bubbles out of her is more amused than wry, for once.

"Got your work cut out for you there."