TLV Inbox

[greatoldjohn]

[in a rather deep voice] "This is John Doe. Please leave your message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I may respond in text if I'm currently with Arthur. Apologies."

Now Moved To: Inbox: Act II - please tag in there!

Comments

[pitofguilt]

[ A slight pause. ]

I'm not sure.

[ It's not hard to put together the words, but they don't quite reflect her thoughts about it. ]

We'll talk about heavy stuff if we have to. I'm just not sure the same trust is there anymore.

[greatoldjohn]

It might not be.

Trust takes time once you've broken it.

[pitofguilt]

A wry smile. "I know. Not my first rodeo."

A B&E spree in her first few days here, and then the whole shooting Arthur thing, don't exactly speak to her being trustworthy-- to say nothing of the life she's lived.

"She did accept that she shouldn't have assumed I was mad. So that's something."

[greatoldjohn]

That's something.

And I figured you'd knew you broke it. But the part I wanted to remind you of is that it can be regained. But it takes time. Continual effort.

[pitofguilt]

Yeah.

[ She hopes she can achieve that with him and Arthur. She'll keep at it. Not so much a goal as a way of being. ]

Franky said something to me a while back, about how having a reason to get out of here can keep me going in the right direction. What do you think about that?

[ She can hazard a guess, but assumptions are bad, is what she was upset with Misty about. Not that she's never been a hypocrite before, but there's no reason to be one with John. ]

[greatoldjohn]

I think it's like anything else: it can certainly be useful. But it has it's pitfalls too.

For you, I think it would be helpful. Especially since you have a tendency to run away from and not to anywhere.

[pitofguilt]

I did, once. Run toward something. I was gonna go to college on a scholarship and never look back.

Didn't work out. [ Obviously. ] It's different here, I get that. I'm just not sure what I could even go toward. Being less of an aashole to people, I guess, but that's... I dunno. Doesn't feel like enough.

...Franky says she could see me fighting on her side where she's from. As a pilot.

[greatoldjohn]

I think that she has little reason to lie to you, and if that's something you'd want to pursue, you should.

Do you think that's why you've been so hesitant to make goals or run towards things? Because the one time you did, something terrible happened before you could get there? That a part of you is trying to protect yourself from hoping for anything specific because then, it can't be destroyed?

[pitofguilt]

I don't know if I want to. It's something to do, train for it.

Maybe. Nothing else ever felt like something worth working toward.

[greatoldjohn]

Let's lay things out: what do you like about the idea? What do you not like about it?

Because you didn't have any other options? Or because you weren't looking for them?

[pitofguilt]

Hold on, I'm gonna write this down.

[ Aka switch to text. ]

Pros: scheduled, mental and physical training
Cons: I'm not really interested in killing people

I honestly don't remember. Coming back was hard. I can't remember right now.

[greatoldjohn]

[ Hmm. ]

I see something interesting about that list. Do you see it?

1/2

[pitofguilt]

Inconsistent grammar

2/2

[pitofguilt]

I'm joking

Because i don't think i do

The training thing? I do want to get back in some kind of shape

[greatoldjohn]

No.

All your advantages are right now.

All of your disadvantages are in the future.

Do you see this as a real place to 'go' in your future or just something to run towards right now?

[pitofguilt]

I honestly don't know. No, I guess? More no than yes.

It's something to do now, though.

[greatoldjohn]

It is.

Are you doing it because it's the only option that's been presented to you, then? Something you 'should' do because someone you like and respect said it might help? Or does it feel right?

[pitofguilt]

I'm doing it because it sounds interesting and it's something to do.

[ Something to do that takes up enough of her focus that she can avoid thinking about personal growth and redemption. ]

[greatoldjohn]

...I hate to say this. But the more you talk about this, the less it sounds like a good idea to me. To be perfectly honest, Natalie, it feels like your previous 'attempts' from my perspective: going through the motions and avoiding the core issues you have while you 'try' something someone else suggested so that you feel like you're being constructive.

[pitofguilt]

[ Called the fuck out... ]

Well. Yeah. Maybe.

It's hard to find a goal when you feel like everything is pointless.

[greatoldjohn]

And why is everything 'pointless'?
What does that even mean?

[pitofguilt]

[ It takes her about a minute to respond, because she wants to give him an answer. He doesn't deserve to be brushed off. She doesn't want to brush him off. ]

It's pointless because if i don't even have something i want to work toward, it feels like a waste of time

Not being an asshole to you and Misty and Arthur, that's worth the time, because i don't want to hurt you. Getting in shape, that's practical. The rest of this... i don't know. I just don't

[greatoldjohn]

Then let's focus on that first.

Maybe by the end of that, you *will* decide you want this. But you should do it because *you* want it. Because you're running towards it.

Not running away from looking inside.

[pitofguilt]

What i want right now is to be able to kick a ball around without wheezing five seconds in. That's all i've got, but i'm committed

[greatoldjohn]

Then that's where we start. Tell Franky you'd like some help with physical training but you aren't committing to anything in the future. And be clear with her on that.

The goal is a short-term one but no less appropriate. Especially because you actually *want* that.