greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

[ A deep breath, because she doesn't want to fucking scream, and then she turns her attention back to the rice and stir fry for a while. Fine, asshole. She'll eat and think. It actually did turn out pretty good, even if the textures aren't quite right. Maybe a little more soy sauce next time, provided she remembers to deal with the meat at all next time.

Okay no fine, she's not going to think about the food. She's going to think about the lack of violence, the restrictions on where she can be and when, the complete inability to get high or drunk, and the freedom to have people over as much as she wants. This entire dinner meeting started when she demanded to know why he cut her off from her vices. Her little helpers that get her through the worst times, and sometimes even the less than worst times.

Clearly she's supposed to do this by herself, without crutches. Is that it? To lean on herself rather than her chemical supports?

She's half way through her dinner when it falls into place, the things John had said and done, the things she said to Jon. ]

I have to face this. I have to actually face this and not try to just get through it. I don't get to leave or go far away, either by walking or by using substances. I have to tough it out. I can't avoid this.

[ Dear god please let her be right. She already feels like an idiot, she can't fucking take this for much longer. ]

[ He closes the book. ]

No, you can't. You can't avoid this. You can't avoid me. This bullshit where you cut and run and don't look back?

[ A short pause and there's the feeling of his gaze on Natalie. ]

There's a reason those other tries didn't work. We're not doing that again.

I don't run. You don't run.

[ She almost makes a joke about how she couldn't get very far anyway if she did run because she's been smoking for decades, but it's not the time, and that would be an attempt to avoid things.

Bummer. It would've been funny. ]

Point taken.

[ Even though she's not thrilled about it. But that's not John's fault. ]

Can't believe I forgot the goddamn chicken.

[ Natalie you just said you're not going to avoid this oh my god. ]

[ A good thing John is good at staying on target. ]

There's a few other things you could figure out. If you wanted to.

[ But JoooOOOHHHHNNNNN.

Sighing, she looks at the food in her bowl, idly wishing she had noodles so she could twirl them around her fork. ]

You didn't use violence because it's not about using force or threats. I have to get there in my own.

[ She has so deeply buried the memories of her childhood and early teens that she doesn't even think about the way her father was, and that John is being sensitive about that. ]

What happens to you when someone uses violence on you?

[ There's a lot to it. ]

What do you like about violence?

I fight back. [ A brief pause. ] Well. Depending on the odds I'll win. Otherwise, I find a way out.

But if it were you... can't exactly run from you. Can't fight you. I'd... [ Now she remembers moments from her childhood. She fights back the shiver that wants to run down her back. ] I'd have to take it, so I'd just... hide, in my head.

[ The aftertaste if the stir-fry turns sour in her mouth. ]

I don't like violence. It just gets things done faster sometimes. Even if it's just a threat.

That isn't what you've told me before. And that isn't what you've shown. About violence, I mean.

[ He's been paying attention the whole time, Nat, not just since you were paired. He liked you. He wanted to know more about you. ]

[ Did he not read the part about how she threatened to light a guy's dick on fire. Or how she threatened another guy with a gun. ]

I'd rather not resort to it. And, honestly, if someone uses violence to get their way all the time? Then they don't deserve whatever authority they have or think they have.

You told me that you feel a release from violence. It's why you were frustrated about your hand. Is that not the case?

[ He puts his hand on the book thoughtfully. ]

That's also a strange thing to hear from someone who decided to shoot someone to get what she wanted.

Edited 2022-12-07 15:50 (UTC)

Yeah, well-- that was an extreme case. And it's not violence itself that I get that release from. Running's just as good. My hand... I hate not being able to do things. At least now it's strong enough that I can cut up ingredients with it; all I need it for is to hold things down.

[ It's complicated, John. Her relationship with violence and aggression is as messy and garbled as the things she's said about it. ]

Yeah, if I'm cornered, I'll fight. But it's not-- I'd rather just get away fast.

[ Cool, she's going to be grounded and forcibly sober forever at this rate. ]

Why was it an extreme case?

[ No, he's not letting that go. ]

No one had been hurt. No one had been more than yelled at.

So why was it an extreme case? Or... why did you feel cornered?

[ She wants not to look into the eyeholes of the expressionless mask, but after the shit she pulled, that too feels like trying to run away. So she does look, even if she has to glance away every few seconds. ]

I had to-- I felt like I had to do something so big that no one could ignore it. I'm literally an inmate. A prisoner. In a small space that I can't escape. And you're in charge of me, you're the person I have to answer to. You need me to graduate to get what you want. I don't think I can. So... I felt like I had to get you away from me. And the way things are, it didn't look like I had any other options.

Why don't you think you can?

[ He holds up a finger. ]

Don't tell me what you've already told me. Think about it. Think about what you've done in the past. Think about how things have gone before. Whatever you were going to tell me right away, go a step beyond that.

No bullshit. You know I don't have any kind of fucking moral high ground over you, Nat. You don't have to be afraid of me judging you.

Try.

[ She actually was about to reply before he held up a finger, so good choice there, John. The thing is, she doesn't want to get into it. Doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to get back into that space where she's actively feeling hopeless, as opposed to just being aware of it as a background element to the rest of her life.

Think about it. About everything. Like she doesn't enough? This is why she drinks, for fuck's sake.

She takes her time, mostly because she really, really hates giving this her full attention. But she does, second by second, using dinner as her timer. And when the bowl is empty, she moves it aside and can't shake the feeling that she's sitting in some counseling office. ]

I just do. I don't-- [ what was it she said to Billy? That Arthur was too nice to her? ] I don't feel like I should. I don't even feel you should be so nice to me.

Because you did horrible things in the past? Because you've made mistakes?

[ He holds up a finger again. ]

I know you used Misty for your recent decisions. But I also know you care about her. You try to look out for her. You speak on her behalf. And yet you know, and you know I know, she's done the same horrible shit you have.

So why can you be nice to her... but not yourself? Why do you believe she can be redeemed... but you can't?

Edited 2022-12-07 17:49 (UTC)

[ She shakes her head a little. ]

After we got rescued, everyone got on with their lives. Misty's a nurse now. What did I do? Hit the road, cheating and lying my way through people and places. Misty does good, even if she's weird and annoying and dangerous sometimes. I don't.

You're running again.

[ Not mean. Not harsh. Matter of fact. ]

Being a nurse or being a grifter is a choice. Misty did what she did and then she chose to do something helpful.

She also chose to shoot Arthur on the barest evidence. She's chosen to kill people for less.

What you choose and whether it's harmful is day by day. So. Why can Misty graduate but you can't? Why are you kind to her but not yourself?

Why didn't you tell her to leave when she came here because she deserves punishment?

Edited 2022-12-07 19:48 (UTC)

You're not gonna graduate me in a day.

[ It might be true, but it's also true that she's trying to get away from the question, even if it's just for a few seconds. ]

I'm not god. I don't know what she does or doesn't deserve. But I know what I deserve, and it's not this. Because I'm not who I used to be. I'm not gonna put what's right ahead of what my own wants. I'm a lost cause, so I'm living life that way. Or I was, until I got dragged here.

Bullshit.

[ And that is calm and steady but firm. ]

You just keep piling up bullshit to make excuses for why you can't do better. That's all I'm hearing, Nat. Every single thing you say:

'Lost cause'
'What I deserve'
'Not who I used to be'

[ He floats up, essentially 'standing'. ]

Either there's a god and they tossed you here, knowing you can do better, or there isn't a god and all of this horseshit about 'should' and 'deserve' and punishment' is just that: horseshit. Whichever is true: you get to decide what you do and whether you're going to be less of a shithead.

I know we're not fixing this in a day. Or a month. Maybe not even a year. But we're starting now. And we start by not running the fuck away from the fact that we chose to be what we were. And we can choose to be better.

Edited 2022-12-07 20:34 (UTC)

It isn't horseshit if you base it on what you've done. On patterns of behavior. But I know what you're gonna say: we can break those patterns.

[ Twenty-five years of patterns is a lot, is all. It's daunting. ]

I said I'm not gonna do something like this again, so I won't. So, expect messages at any goddamn hour where I'm telling you that you should throw me out with the trash and find yourself someone who won't be here for years.

If that was the case, then I wouldn't be a warden. [ His tone gets a little more fervent ] I am not even human, Natalie. I was not even built, was not created, with a purpose that included joy or love or kindness or beauty.

You want to talk about patterns? I am here with you as living proof that they can change. Not easily. Not perfectly. But they do.

But they don't change unless you decide to change them.

Years?

[ There's that evil laugh, a little more rueful than she's heard it. ]

You know better. If you were using your head right now, instead of spouting the same tired bullshit you always use to run away from your own responsibilities, to yourself, to the people around you, you wouldn't say that. But you're already shutting down, running away, giving up not because you can't do better.

Because you don't want to.

[ The thing is-- the reason why that leaves her reeling for a few seconds, is that she doesn't want to do better. She's tired of trying, and failing, and dragging herself up off the ground to try again all because of a promise. And, okay, Travis didn't break his promise, but she still meant to shoot her own head off. She still died that night. ]

Yeah. [ A bitter, mirthless little chuckle. ] Because I'm fucking exhausted. Because life just would not stop throwing shit at me. And yeah, that's over now, and I'm here, and you're not giving up no matter what I say or do.

But I want a fucking break. I wanna wallow and whine and be a fucking idiot-- without hurting anyone. I'm really fucking tired, John, so let me have this. [ Her voice cracks on 'tired.' ] Let me get through this shit. And then? Then you can grill me and lecture me and make me write a goddamn dissertation. But right now, I can't. If I force it, it's fake.

Is that honest enough for you?

[ He's silent for a good long moment. Then he says, very gently. ]

Yes.

[ He considers and then he floats around, floats down, and it's... it's an offer. He's putting his mask near her fingertips. ]

[ It's clear what he means by the gesture, and she has to admit that there's something... nice, about when he's with someone. With her. It only happened once, and it wasn't her choice, but it ended up being okay. Strange, but okay.

So, with a shaky breath, she reaches out and takes his mask. ]

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cw suicide mention, a bit graphic

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