greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

That time. The times I left the Dark World before Arthur, I was usually destructive. I told you how I killed his partner; it was the first thing I did once I was out.

I killed the others before that, other people who picked up the book. I was... desperate to get out of that place, and when I found resistance, when they threatened my fragile control, I realize now, I stamped out those lives without a thought.

[ He lets that hang in the air for a moment before he continues.]

I made it out better that time because I was forced to examine everything I was and everything I had been. Forced to consider what I had, what was important, what the fuck I was doing with my existence. With my life.

Edited 2022-11-16 14:21 (UTC)

[ It isn't the same at all, but the nightmarish prison that is the Dark World reminds Natalie of the wilderness, in that it's... maddening. Terrifying. Constant fear, constant yearning to get out-- ]

You weren't in the Dark World when Arthur was in a coma. You... had the time to think. With none of the garbage of the Dark World to deal with.

[ She's trying here. It's not that she lacks empathy. It's just so incredibly outside the realm of... human experience, she guesses. ]

[ John, in all seriousness, hopes she never encounters the Dark World or anything like it. He doesn't want that for anyone, not even the person he hates the most on this ship. ]

Mmmhmm.

[ He doesn't nod but that's definitely the impression he's giving.]

I had someone who showed me kindness. Time and space for me to examine myself. And something to hope for. Someone who I decided... was worth all of it.

[ He considers if he needs to explain, then decides it would probably be best.]

You've been in your own Dark World before. And when you've been through something like that, it's easier to react... a certain way afterwards. To keep surviving.

But it isn't necessarily good for you. Or for people around you.

I thought maybe you'd want to know my experience with it before you opened the file.

Edited 2022-11-16 15:12 (UTC)

[ Well now she just feels like she was a complete asshole.

Someone showed him kindness, and that changed him. Or it initiated the change in him. It is, once again, something she can't say she's ever had. Except now, even he is showing her kindness. He's being patient. He's opening up about something personal and deep. It feels so fucking weird that all she wants to do is run and hide until she can think about it without feeling like she might fall to pieces.

But she can't, not when she's already done it and seen how it hurt him. So she takes a deep breath and stays where she is. ]

When they rescued us, it was... surreal. It was hard to sleep at night because it felt like I was still there, like something could just come and attack. I didn't have to go hunt anymore, I... didn't know what to do. I only really talked with the others. [ Mostly with Travis, if she's honest. ]

I didn't realize that you know what it's like, to... not trust life, after getting out.

[ To but trust oneself. She hasn't ever since, because she has kept running and running from it, from the darkness inside. ]

Sorry I dismissed you like that. I... wasn't thinking about why you were telling me.

It's all right.

[ It's probably odd, hearing that strange and otherworldly voice being... gentle. Caring. But that is undoubtedly what it is. John isn't mad and he isn't placating her. He's accepting her, as she is. As they are, to some degree.]

We got through it. And it's not a bad example of what I mean.

Experiences like that... 'thinking' or... 'examining' things that are a lot, too much... it's counter to survival. Anything that could make you hesitate or weigh you down... fighting it is one option, but the easiest one is just to avoid it. Keep moving.

I get it.

[ Another pause. ]

And thank you for sharing. It sounds... painful. I'm sorry you had to go through that, even if it was better than being... where you were.

[ It takes a lot of effort not to shoot off a sarcastic response to that. You didn't get that from the file? It's not about the knowledge of what happened. It's about the experience of it, about her telling him. It feels like therapy right now, so while she's complying, it's not quite to the extent she should be. She's a while away from that yet. ]

Can't run away from it here. [ She shrugs, more for her own sake than at him. ] That's kinda the point, isn't it.

[ Oh no. Effort in a partnership. Never before has he had to do such a thing. ]

No, not particularly.

[ A large 'breath' out. The noise is about the same. ]

As for the issue of Misty's concerns, I'll tell you what I told her: this isn't a matter of wanting to gossip about you two behind your backs. Nor do I have issues holding certain details back from Arthur, if I think he will be... nonconstructive.

[ He loves Arthur. He also knows Arthur can be a feral, vicious, judgmental asshole.]

My concern is with a blanket ban, or feeling as if I've betrayed you by utilizing him as a resource. He isn't your warden, and I acknowledge that. But he is my partner. And we have our own... time in the woods.

I don't want to pit myself against anyone. But I also know how I feel and what I think is... feasible.

Edited 2022-11-16 18:25 (UTC)

[ So she has to trust John. Trust that he'll know what is and isn't necessary to share with Arthur. That's... difficult. She'd said it was fine during their first talk as warden and inmate because she was focused on something else. Now that she's sitting here thinking about it, it's not quite so easy to decide.

He gets it, clearly--though not all of it. His experience goes far beyond what she went through, minus the personal connections and the human-ness of it. She debates on this for almost a full minute before meeting his gaze again. ]

If you're not sure if you should tell him something, ask me. That's fair. I don't think I can ban you from anything specific. I don't wanna come between you and Arthur.

[ He doesn't nod, but again, there's that feeling he is. ]

I can do that. And... would you like that to be regarding anything in your file or specifically... specifically the woods, as Misty puts it.

[ He'll make himself clear again. ]

I was concerned primarily with subjects of... substance abuse, as the file put it- my experience with them is, um, less than helpful.

[ Driving them to it, and worse, primarily. ]

Anything in the file.

[ Any part of her life. It's not just the nineteen months in the woods that matters. There's so much Misty wasn't a part of, after all. ]

Understood.

And... that, specifically?

[ It's a concern for him. Considering. ]

You can talk with Arthur about that.

[ It's not like her struggles in that area are a secret back home anyway. ]

All right. Thank you.

[ A sigh. And then a glance at the file. ]

I am going to keep it. But I'll keep it here, tucked somewhere safe. He won't have access to it.

Okay. [ And because she knows cabin locks are not infallible-- ] You should lock it up. Just in case.

[ NO, she doesn't mean HERSELF. ]

I'll make sure that it's secured.

[ He has his own ideas of where to put it. Someplace he doubts anyone else would ever look. ]

[ She nods, more relieved than she thought she'd be to hear that. ]

Can't really think of anything else to talk about. The file didn't leave anything out.

And now that we've gone through it, do you have any other concerns or other questions for me?

[ A pause as if considering ]

Or anything else you might need.

[ He presses his lips together. ]

May I ask if... she's all right?

[ She shakes her head. She knows she wants a large amount of alcohol, but she doesn't need it, so she won't ask. ]

She's hurt, even though she says she isn't. She thinks you and Arthur are always assuming the worst of her. I know she's-- a lot. I know she crosses lines and thinks she's justified most of the time. Just--

[ She sighs. ]

I don't know. I can't tell you what to do. I don't know what I'd do. She holds grudges. I don't wanna be in the middle of things between you two and her, if that's even possible.

[ He makes a small noise of frustration. ]

I don't assume the worst of her. I like her. I've tried to help her with Arthur, and she ignored everything I said, and the only reason I assumed what I did the one time was because she lied to me about being hurt! And I apologized!

[ Grumbly, growly- ]

I'm not even the one who called things off! I went to check on her after her fight with Arthur because I was concerned about her even though she left broken ceramic in our kitchen!

Edited (accuracy!) 2022-11-16 22:01 (UTC)

Yeah. That's... [ A long, deep sigh. ] She ignores everybody. Except Pagan.

[ Oh, there's an idea. ]

Maybe you and Arthur and Misty need to talk, with Pagan as a mediator. Lay out all the facts, make sure everyone's heard, come to a workable solution.

[ Damn, listen to her. She may have wiped her ass with a lot of the bullshit from rehab, but she did listen! ]

[ He takes another moment or two to grumble but after he gets that out, it's a huff and- ]

It's not a bad idea. I'd rather not spend every other discussion worrying about how Misty's going to take it.

[ He looks over at Natalie. ]

Any more than I suspect you do. It would probably help if I'm with Arthur at the time; I'd guess half the reason he was defensive was because he's blind without me and down one arm.

[ Vulnerable. Which isn't good on anyone, but especially not Arthur. ]

Would you want to be there?

[ FUCK no. ]

No, but if Pagan thinks it'd help, I can be.

[ Dear god please let Pagan say it's better if she's not there because something something Misty.

John is right, of course. Having to be cautious in conversation with anyone is exhausting. ]

[ Yeah, sorry, you're getting a low, slightly evil sounding chuckle. Can't help it, former Great Old One. It happens. ]

I'll try and spare you if I can.

[ Actually, that's funny and fitting. Natalie smiles, chuckling silently. ]

Sounds good.

[ A pause, in which she hesitates, and then-- ]

Thanks.

Of course.

[ That's...

They're in this together. He said it and he meant it. But, he can't help but glance over at the file. He wonders if- ]

...none of this makes me want to give up on you.

[ Wry, and a little tired. ]

I'm sure I'll have to prove that. But I'd rather it isn't unsaid.

TLV Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw substance abuse

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)