TLV Inbox

[greatoldjohn]

[in a rather deep voice] "This is John Doe. Please leave your message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I may respond in text if I'm currently with Arthur. Apologies."

Now Moved To: Inbox: Act II - please tag in there!

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[greatoldjohn]

So you haven't actually thought about it at all. That's what I'm hearing.

[ He's paging through a book of watercolor art pieces. ]

[pitofguilt]

I just told you what I've been thinking. About all of it. For days now.

[ Not... diligently, since the first one or two days, but still. ]

[greatoldjohn]

"What's there to think more about" is what you said. Nothing you said just now goes beyond what we first talked about on the day it happened.

[ He looks up. ]

So you haven't thought about it beyond that.

Unless you're holding back more?

[pitofguilt]

Okay, fine. I broke everyone's trust. [ Except maybe Misty's, but that's a whole other thing to not deal with.

But there is more she's holding back, isn't there. What Jon got out of her, which feels like too much to say, except she already said it. To a warden who's not her own, no less.

Angry (at life in general), she puts down her fork and puts both arms on the table. ]

Warden-inmate confidentiality. [ Which maybe she doesn't deserve, but John isn't the revenge gossip type. Her file gives him enough to do that with, and he hasn't.

So. Here goes. ]

Library Jon asked me about it. The creepy asking way where I couldn't lie even if I tried. And...

[ big deep breath, and when she breathes out, the anger comes off. She feels exposed, more so than when answering Jon. ]

...I answered. I told him that it wasn't about you or Arthur or Misty. It was... that I didn't think I deserved you all being so... kind. That I wanted you to hurt me. Because that's what I deserve. And I still think you should, but you won't, so I feel like I deserve it even more now.

[greatoldjohn]

[ John listens, that plain mask giving away nothing while he does. And when she's done, he waits a moment more. ]

Why do you think I'm choosing not to hurt you?

Why do you think I'm choosing what I have chosen? All of it.

[pitofguilt]

[ Wasn't this supposed to not be twenty questions???

But, frustration aside, she's here now, and they're doing this, so she's going to stick with it for as long as she can. ]

I don't know. Because... you don't think violence is the answer? That missing something good is better punishment than giving something bad?

[greatoldjohn]

Wrong on both counts.

[ He punched Dorian in the balls and he'd punch him again if he had to. John Doe will throw his hand any which way as necessary.]

You and Misty fucked here the other night, and I don't give a shit, so clearly I'm not trying to make you 'miss out'. Try again.

[pitofguilt]

I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about liquor and drugs.

[ She doesn't care that he heard. Good. It was great sex, she's not ashamed. ]

[greatoldjohn]

And I said what I said. Try again, Nat.

[ He turns up from his book. ]

Though I'm curious how well it went for you, thinking about what you did and why you're here the whole time while you were having sex. That must have been awkward.

[pitofguilt]

[ John what the fuck. ]

Obviously, I wasn't thinking about what I did while fucking. But before that, yes. I told her the truth, and I apologized for lying to her.

[greatoldjohn]

[ Back to the book. ]

Then it sounds like you got a break from thinking. And you managed it without a drink or a smoke.

Since that helps you think more, you should have it solved soon enough.

[pitofguilt]

[ You little fucker who is not little at all. ]

Clearly not. You're gonna have to be more blunt than you have been.

[greatoldjohn]

[Smooth as silk and not at all bothered, despite the addition of a curse-]

You're going to have to actually try and think about it instead of pretending you are and peddling bullshit to me.

[pitofguilt]

[ A deep breath, because she doesn't want to fucking scream, and then she turns her attention back to the rice and stir fry for a while. Fine, asshole. She'll eat and think. It actually did turn out pretty good, even if the textures aren't quite right. Maybe a little more soy sauce next time, provided she remembers to deal with the meat at all next time.

Okay no fine, she's not going to think about the food. She's going to think about the lack of violence, the restrictions on where she can be and when, the complete inability to get high or drunk, and the freedom to have people over as much as she wants. This entire dinner meeting started when she demanded to know why he cut her off from her vices. Her little helpers that get her through the worst times, and sometimes even the less than worst times.

Clearly she's supposed to do this by herself, without crutches. Is that it? To lean on herself rather than her chemical supports?

She's half way through her dinner when it falls into place, the things John had said and done, the things she said to Jon. ]

I have to face this. I have to actually face this and not try to just get through it. I don't get to leave or go far away, either by walking or by using substances. I have to tough it out. I can't avoid this.

[ Dear god please let her be right. She already feels like an idiot, she can't fucking take this for much longer. ]

[greatoldjohn]

[ He closes the book. ]

No, you can't. You can't avoid this. You can't avoid me. This bullshit where you cut and run and don't look back?

[ A short pause and there's the feeling of his gaze on Natalie. ]

There's a reason those other tries didn't work. We're not doing that again.

I don't run. You don't run.

[pitofguilt]

[ She almost makes a joke about how she couldn't get very far anyway if she did run because she's been smoking for decades, but it's not the time, and that would be an attempt to avoid things.

Bummer. It would've been funny. ]

Point taken.

[ Even though she's not thrilled about it. But that's not John's fault. ]

Can't believe I forgot the goddamn chicken.

[ Natalie you just said you're not going to avoid this oh my god. ]

[greatoldjohn]

[ A good thing John is good at staying on target. ]

There's a few other things you could figure out. If you wanted to.

[pitofguilt]

[ But JoooOOOHHHHNNNNN.

Sighing, she looks at the food in her bowl, idly wishing she had noodles so she could twirl them around her fork. ]

You didn't use violence because it's not about using force or threats. I have to get there in my own.

[ She has so deeply buried the memories of her childhood and early teens that she doesn't even think about the way her father was, and that John is being sensitive about that. ]

[greatoldjohn]

What happens to you when someone uses violence on you?

[ There's a lot to it. ]

What do you like about violence?

[pitofguilt]

I fight back. [ A brief pause. ] Well. Depending on the odds I'll win. Otherwise, I find a way out.

But if it were you... can't exactly run from you. Can't fight you. I'd... [ Now she remembers moments from her childhood. She fights back the shiver that wants to run down her back. ] I'd have to take it, so I'd just... hide, in my head.

[ The aftertaste if the stir-fry turns sour in her mouth. ]

I don't like violence. It just gets things done faster sometimes. Even if it's just a threat.

[greatoldjohn]

That isn't what you've told me before. And that isn't what you've shown. About violence, I mean.

[ He's been paying attention the whole time, Nat, not just since you were paired. He liked you. He wanted to know more about you. ]

[pitofguilt]

[ Did he not read the part about how she threatened to light a guy's dick on fire. Or how she threatened another guy with a gun. ]

I'd rather not resort to it. And, honestly, if someone uses violence to get their way all the time? Then they don't deserve whatever authority they have or think they have.

[greatoldjohn]

You told me that you feel a release from violence. It's why you were frustrated about your hand. Is that not the case?

[ He puts his hand on the book thoughtfully. ]

That's also a strange thing to hear from someone who decided to shoot someone to get what she wanted.

[pitofguilt]

Yeah, well-- that was an extreme case. And it's not violence itself that I get that release from. Running's just as good. My hand... I hate not being able to do things. At least now it's strong enough that I can cut up ingredients with it; all I need it for is to hold things down.

[ It's complicated, John. Her relationship with violence and aggression is as messy and garbled as the things she's said about it. ]

Yeah, if I'm cornered, I'll fight. But it's not-- I'd rather just get away fast.

[ Cool, she's going to be grounded and forcibly sober forever at this rate. ]

[greatoldjohn]

Why was it an extreme case?

[ No, he's not letting that go. ]

No one had been hurt. No one had been more than yelled at.

So why was it an extreme case? Or... why did you feel cornered?