greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

Well, it doesn't feel like that to me. And you know what? I'm sitting here trying, even though I hate how it feels. I'm trying to open myself up to you and talk about the things that I struggle with, which I hate doing. But I'm doing it, John. For you.

[ He thinks of Arthur.

He thinks of Arthur talking to him after admitting to murdering Parker.

He thinks of Arthur listening to him after he strangled Eddie.

He thinks of all the times he was an inhuman piece of shit and the patience that Arthur showed in still giving him a chance. At believing him when they showed up here, after the cult, after the King in Yellow threatened to kill him to get John back. ]

I'm going to ask you something. And I'm not going to assume anything. I'll believe what you tell me, Misty. Because we said we were going to be honest:

If Natalie told you to never talk to me again after today, would that be it?

Um, no; I don't do everything that Natalie says.

And if she told you that she needed that?

That she can't trust you the same way if you're friends with her warden.

[A pause.]

New rule! You can't walk out when I'm being honest.

I'm not going anywhere, Misty.

[Her shoulders twitch, and then de-tense just the tiniest bit - still negligible, but possibly noticeable, if one is watching for it.]

At the very least I'd have to seriously consider it, just like you would if Arthur gave you the same ultimatum about me - which seems a lot more likely, by the way! I'd need to consider all the possibilities at hand, like that she was bullshitting me like she was last week, or that she was testing my loyalty.

I can't lose her. I only just got her; I can't lose her.

[ He's watching. It's what he's good at. ]

But not how I'd feel.

I don't factor into anything.

I guess I could try to mediate and bring you into the discussion, though to be honest, I can't imagine that wouldn't go badly... would how I felt factor in if Arthur asked you to stop talking to me?

[ Yeah, here's an answer for you- ]

I'd tell him to fuck himself.

But he also never would.

Neither would Natalie. But you're honestly telling me you'd risk your relationship with Arthur for me?

[ Some heat enters his tone now. ]

Misty? She literally did. A week ago. That answer is bullshit and you know it.

Getting me to help her try to drive you away is not the same as telling me she doesn't feel comfortable with me talking to her warden. She did all that partly because she hated that we weren't talking.

[ Uggggggh the urge to be shitty is so strong right now. He knows what saying what he wants to say would do. He's not going to do it. He won't.]

Misty, it is effectively the same. Because the goal was to make me hate both of you so much I unpaired from her. Do you honestly think it would have ended up with me feeling just fine about the person who shot my partner? You being there, being a part of it, would have me hating you just as much.

Try. again.

It makes a difference because she wants us to get along. And it's just a hypothetical situation.

[ And we have graduated to shouting. Like. Full tilt. ]

THE BULLETS THAT WENT THROUGH MY HAND AND ALMOST KILLED HIM FROM BLOOD LOSS ARE NOT FUCKING HYPOTHETICAL, MISTY!

[The rat squeaks, and scurries up Misty's sleeve; she jumps to her feet, fists balled.]

Stop shouting! This is not a proper conversation!

What the fuck makes a proper conversation, Misty? You smiling at me while you make excuses for why I should understand your side of believing absolute bullshit about me? Maybe it's just sitting here while you try and use technicalities to make it perfectly understandable that you shot the person that I love the most, someone who means as much as Natalie means to you, a fact that you cannot seem to get through your head in any meaningful way?

[ His tone goes a little harder. ]

Or is it listening to you describe your thought process over and over and over again that doesn't give a shit about me or Arthur when push comes to shove because you're so fucking insecure about Natalie's affections that you can't just tell her no when she's wrong.

Which part is a 'proper' conversation between friends?

[Her teeth grind together again, hard enough to be audible.]

You want something from me, and I am trying to get there, but it is very difficult to feel comfortable enough to be emotionally vulnerable when every conversation is a minefield. If you want this from me, you have to stop blowing up at me!

No.

[ And he's rumbly, but his volume is low at least. ]

I don't want anything specific from you, Misty. We aren't going anywhere. You are who you are and you feel how you feel. I'm not trying to tell you what to feel or how to feel, but I'm also not going to hide how it makes me feel, what the consequences of those decisions are.

I'm blowing up at you because this friendship is uneven and instead of addressing things like my pain is real and Arthur's pain is real and like you have any idea of the gravity of what you did, you keep hiding behind technicalities. Was Arthur any more or less shot because Natalie manipulated you for one reason or another? No. So stop acting like it.

I was trying to address the situation that you came up with!

[She can feel herself tensing up again, clamping down on herself, retreating.]

You are expecting things from me! You're expecting things to go somewhere, you're expecting me to make progress with you. And I've been trying to do that, I've been trying to work through how I think and feel with you, but you explode whenever I say something you don't like the sound of! So you know what, you have a choice, John: either help me feel comfortable enough to work on the difficult, ugly, terrible things that make me an inmate, or admit that you're only interested in this if it's going to be easy for you! Your choice!

[Her foot stomps on the tile floor.]

You think this is easy for me? You think I was smiling because I was happy? You'd think someone who gets to wear a mask all the time would recognize one when they see it! I've been here for nine months and only a handful of wardens have bothered to try to actually understand me and help me instead of just blowing me off as annoying or evil or not worth their time!

[It feels good to really yell - she lets herself do it so infrequently. She wants to keep going, but she runs out of words before she runs out of will.]

[ Was this what he was waiting for? In a sense, yes. ]

Fuck you, Misty. I am still fucking here and I'm not going anywhere but I am not your fucking warden. I'm supposed to be your friend.

There has been nothing easy about this, from the get go! I don't think you're annoying and I don't think you're evil and I have spent so much fucking time with you on just the basics of friendship that if you think I think you aren't worth it, you're a fucking idiot.

[ He's growling a little but he's not SHOUTING at least. ]

I'm not Pagan! I'm not going to gently walk you through the shitty things you did! That's not my job! I'm going to be your friend and tell you you did something shitty because you deserve to know you fucked up. And I'm going to expect you to be a friend and give a shit about it, all the time, not just when it's convenient, instead of hiding behind the fact that you're an inmate! And then I'm going to sit here and hash it out with you even though I am stressed out just as much as you are because you fucking matter to me!

And we're not going to smile and pretend and play bullshit games because we're friends and it doesn't matter how much fucking yelling we do, I'm going to be your friend at the end of it. So you don't have to be scared. So you don't have to be vulnerable. Because I say and show you everything I feel!

[She curls stiffly into herself, her eyes and every other part of her hard - except for the one gentle hand that curls over the rat in her sleeve.]

Then you're not going to get anything that you want from me.

What do you think I want from you?

[ He's watching her. ]

Admissions of guilt, apologies, regret, remorse, attempts at making amends.

[She ticks each item off on her fingers.]

Everything you've been screaming at me to give you.

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