greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

[ She frowns as she gives it some thought. ]

Everyone. I came right here after and didn't leave for a few hours.

[ Did you tell her that? That it wasn't about her but about your need to be alone so you could breathe?

...it's not an accusation. I just wasn't there so I don't know. ]

No, 'cause she kept telling me I was pissed and saying if I weren't I would've stayed. She didn't believe me.

Back after the breach, I told her I wanted to be alone right after, and I almost had to scream to get her to listen.

[ So she created an environment where you didn't feel you could explain yourself and be believed or listened to.

Do you often feel like Misty doesn't listen to you? To what you're actually saying? Or is it only when there's conflict? ]

Exactly. She immediately assumed the worst and wouldn't let it go.

[ She sighs, running a hand through her hair. ]

I don't know. When we're fighting, yeah. Other times... no? Not on the Barge, anyway.

[ Aha. ]

[ Not on the Barge... but back at home? ]

[ A little scoff. ]

Yeah. Followed me to a restaurant when I told her I had plans-- stalked me there, actually, 'cause I never told her where I was going. Came up with a goddamn code for knocking on the door when I told her we didn't need it.

[ To say nothing of how she stole the battery cables from her car and texted Kevyn behind her back pretending to be her and put a fucking spycam in her room-- ]

She gets shit in her head, and you can't fucking get through to her.

[ Believe me, I know. ]

[ But he doesn't want to make this about Misty. For a lot of reasons. ]

[ What do you think has changed? Or do you think it has changed, since it still happens? ]

Well, we're not just using each other anymore. We actually like hanging out together. We're best friends. But that doesn't mean we can't want space sometimes.

[ She's not quite aware that's defensive, because from her perspective, she's explaining herself. ]

[ He considers how he wants to say this. ]

[ You said 'we'. But it seems more like 'you', in this case. You want space sometimes. And she doesn't understand why that is, or misunderstands it as a sign that you think she's done something wrong, that you want to hurt her for some reason.

Have you talked about your need for space when you weren't already needing it? ]

[ That feels like getting splashed with ice cold water. It's true. She's the one who wanted space, while Misty wanted more time together. ]

...no. I haven't. Only when I really needed to be alone.

[ ...when you have the least amount of patience and the most amount of need to get away from her. Need that makes you say things that hurt her, which just reinforces the idea that you're actually punishing her and don't want to admit it. ]

Fuck. [ The swear comes out in a sigh. ] I'm the asshole.

[ Because he's right. She's only ever asked for space when she's on the edge of panicking. When she panics, she runs, and she does not stop to see who or what gets knocked over in the process.

She puts her head in her hands, elbows on the table, and breathes deeply. It doesn't really occur to her that she wants to stay here hidden away with John, as opposed to running away from him too. ]

I don't wanna hurt her. I just need... space. A lot more than she does. And a lot more often.

[ Not necessarily. ]

[ He's only got her right leg this time around, and her hearing; he wonders if she's just gotten used to the emptiness and focused on his voice automatically. It's an easy enough one to handle, at least. But he shifts the leg a little and nudges her other foot gently, a soft touch. ]

[ It's something you should take the time to talk to her about when both of you are in a good place to talk. She needs to understand your needs. And you need to understand her needs. And both of you need to agree on how to handle the differences between them so that you don't misinterpret them taking care of themselves as an attack.

There's going to need to be bending on both sides if you want this to work.]

Edited 2022-12-30 15:43 (UTC)

[ A rueful chuckle. ]

Not sure there'll ever be a good time for both of us.

[ They're both stubborn, defensive, and ready to fight back in their own ways. Their last argument is proof of that. ]

Pretty sure I'm the one who has to start the conversation.

[ The absolute silence helps her think. The touch to her left foot, and the sound of John's voice, soften the sharp edges of the topic at hand. It's like the whole world has paused so she can take a breath and catch up. ]

Wanna take bets on how many times we'll try to have the talk before we get through to each other?

[ You will. But being the one to start it also means you can be the one to lay out what needs to be done, and it means you can consider what your boundaries are and where you think you can bend without causing damage to anything. You'll have the time to consider what you want to say.

Keep that in mind when you talk to her: that you were prepared and she wasn't. It might leave her on the defensive and taking advantage of that will only make things harder. ]

[ A brief pause then- ]

[ No bet. I know better. ]

You've got more faith than I do.

[ But he's right. Her starting this means Misty will be on the defensive, so she has to be-- not calculated. That implies manipulation. She has to be the one to show they can talk with their guard down. ]

You've done this before, haven't you. Sounds like you have.

[ Remember: you're only an asshole sometimes. Make sure this isn't one of those times ]

There's a longer pause.

[ Yes, to some degree. The rest of it is just putting pieces together. ]

That's weirdly encouraging.

[ And it isn't bullshit. No coddling, no blaming one side of the other on this. She appreciates that. ]

Done it for Arthur, or with him? You were both the asshole, weren't you.

[... I have the opportunity for reflection more often than he does. So I try to help out that way.]

[ Right, okay, that was nosy of her. She murmurs ] Sorry [ and nods. Arthur sleeps, and John doesn't. That's a lot of extra time to think. ]

Thanks, by the way. For... listening. And helping. I don't do this a lot.

[ More like "at all" but who's keeping score. ]

[ ...what're you apologizing for? You didn't say anything out of turn. We *are* both assholes. I'm glad, at least, that you understand that. ]

[ There is a sound, a huff, mostly of amusement. ]

[ You're always welcome, Natalie. As many times as you need, whenever you need.

It's not a well, so it can't go dry. And you're independent enough I don't see it ever being a problem.]

Edited 2022-12-30 19:19 (UTC)

Didn't mean to sound like I was prying.

[ She hates it when people do it to her, so she's careful to avoid doing it herself.

Hahaha independent. It's called avoidant attachment. ]

If I come back here upset at some point, assume I tried and it went bad.

[ ...I literally got a whole file with your entire life in it. You're allowed to ask me about shit. It's fine, really. ]

[ The leg will nudge her again. ]

[ I want you to be prepared for it to go badly. Not like this, where you're being pessimistic. You need to know that your first try is going to be after the thing you said earlier. And she's not going to trust it because it's new and different from how you did things before.

Be prepared for it to go badly. And if you're going to do this, be ready right now to try again. Think of how long it took to get fucked up; it's going to take even longer to fix.

That doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. ]

Yeah. It's worth it.

[ To think that a few months ago, all she wanted was to make Misty leave her the fuck alone for good, and now... well, now she doesn't. ]

I've given her a fake apology before. She'll see this is different, even if she still isn't ready to talk to me for a while after.

Edited 2022-12-30 20:32 (UTC)

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