TLV Inbox

[greatoldjohn]

[in a rather deep voice] "This is John Doe. Please leave your message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I may respond in text if I'm currently with Arthur. Apologies."

Now Moved To: Inbox: Act II - please tag in there!

Comments

[greatoldjohn]

Right.

[ He's here but... He hardly think his contributions, his feelings, what he thinks are of a concern to her for the moment. Better just to let her go through it and make the decision she wants to make.

He'll be here regardless, after all. ]

[pitofguilt]

[ Now she notices. She turns in her seat so she's facing him fully. ]

What.

[greatoldjohn]

[ He looks back. ]

I'm listening.

[pitofguilt]

But you're not talking. You're not saying anything.

[ She hadn't known him for long, but she knows he can and does say quite a lot. ]

If I did something to piss you off, tell me. I'm not psychic.

[greatoldjohn]

You didn't piss me off, Natalie. I think you know well enough I don't hide when I'm pissed off.

[ He looks to the file for a moment before turning back to her. ]

I'm not saying much of anything because I'm trying not to influence you. You didn't come here about your file for us to work.

You came to check what I know for Misty.

So I'm staying out of it.

[pitofguilt]

No, I came here because we agreed that I would, before Misty argued with you about Arthur. After that, you said we'd go over it and then decide what to do about--

[ Wait a minute. Now she gets it. She rolls her eyes and sighs and manages not to drag a hand down her face. ]

I jumped the gun. [ She says it like a teenager who's been caught and has to confess because she's got no other choice. ] Fine. I did, I skipped ahead. But then you assumed.

[ Oh like you don't assume too? Smh. ]

You went to one-word answers like some-- moody teenager.

[greatoldjohn]

You didn't seem interested in what I had to say.

[ Quietly hurt, but it's not angry or cold. It's tired. ]

I was waiting to see if that changed.

[pitofguilt]

[ She's paying him her full attention now, so the hurt comes through, washing away her rough facade like waves slowly erasing writing on sand. ]

I was interested. I am. It's just-- [ There's the tiniest ember of anger there, and she grabs hold because she knows it will get her through, even if she directs that anger toward herself.

Which she does. ] I didn't know what to say.

[greatoldjohn]

Why is that?

[ Not an accusation. Curiously. Even a little concerned. ]

[pitofguilt]

'Cause it's... you were alone, stuck in Arthur's body, for an entire month. And this one nurse you couldn't even talk to, she... helped you.

[ She's great at this, isn't she. She's internally facepalming at herself. Externally, she sighs and shrugs. ]

It's just so heavy. I know what it's like to be trapped somewhere, but not by myself. And you made it out better for it.

[ Whereas... well. The file speaks for itself. ]

[greatoldjohn]

That time. The times I left the Dark World before Arthur, I was usually destructive. I told you how I killed his partner; it was the first thing I did once I was out.

I killed the others before that, other people who picked up the book. I was... desperate to get out of that place, and when I found resistance, when they threatened my fragile control, I realize now, I stamped out those lives without a thought.

[ He lets that hang in the air for a moment before he continues.]

I made it out better that time because I was forced to examine everything I was and everything I had been. Forced to consider what I had, what was important, what the fuck I was doing with my existence. With my life.

[pitofguilt]

[ It isn't the same at all, but the nightmarish prison that is the Dark World reminds Natalie of the wilderness, in that it's... maddening. Terrifying. Constant fear, constant yearning to get out-- ]

You weren't in the Dark World when Arthur was in a coma. You... had the time to think. With none of the garbage of the Dark World to deal with.

[ She's trying here. It's not that she lacks empathy. It's just so incredibly outside the realm of... human experience, she guesses. ]

[greatoldjohn]

[ John, in all seriousness, hopes she never encounters the Dark World or anything like it. He doesn't want that for anyone, not even the person he hates the most on this ship. ]

Mmmhmm.

[ He doesn't nod but that's definitely the impression he's giving.]

I had someone who showed me kindness. Time and space for me to examine myself. And something to hope for. Someone who I decided... was worth all of it.

[ He considers if he needs to explain, then decides it would probably be best.]

You've been in your own Dark World before. And when you've been through something like that, it's easier to react... a certain way afterwards. To keep surviving.

But it isn't necessarily good for you. Or for people around you.

I thought maybe you'd want to know my experience with it before you opened the file.

[pitofguilt]

[ Well now she just feels like she was a complete asshole.

Someone showed him kindness, and that changed him. Or it initiated the change in him. It is, once again, something she can't say she's ever had. Except now, even he is showing her kindness. He's being patient. He's opening up about something personal and deep. It feels so fucking weird that all she wants to do is run and hide until she can think about it without feeling like she might fall to pieces.

But she can't, not when she's already done it and seen how it hurt him. So she takes a deep breath and stays where she is. ]

When they rescued us, it was... surreal. It was hard to sleep at night because it felt like I was still there, like something could just come and attack. I didn't have to go hunt anymore, I... didn't know what to do. I only really talked with the others. [ Mostly with Travis, if she's honest. ]

I didn't realize that you know what it's like, to... not trust life, after getting out.

[ To but trust oneself. She hasn't ever since, because she has kept running and running from it, from the darkness inside. ]

Sorry I dismissed you like that. I... wasn't thinking about why you were telling me.

[greatoldjohn]

It's all right.

[ It's probably odd, hearing that strange and otherworldly voice being... gentle. Caring. But that is undoubtedly what it is. John isn't mad and he isn't placating her. He's accepting her, as she is. As they are, to some degree.]

We got through it. And it's not a bad example of what I mean.

Experiences like that... 'thinking' or... 'examining' things that are a lot, too much... it's counter to survival. Anything that could make you hesitate or weigh you down... fighting it is one option, but the easiest one is just to avoid it. Keep moving.

I get it.

[ Another pause. ]

And thank you for sharing. It sounds... painful. I'm sorry you had to go through that, even if it was better than being... where you were.

[pitofguilt]

[ It takes a lot of effort not to shoot off a sarcastic response to that. You didn't get that from the file? It's not about the knowledge of what happened. It's about the experience of it, about her telling him. It feels like therapy right now, so while she's complying, it's not quite to the extent she should be. She's a while away from that yet. ]

Can't run away from it here. [ She shrugs, more for her own sake than at him. ] That's kinda the point, isn't it.

[greatoldjohn]

[ Oh no. Effort in a partnership. Never before has he had to do such a thing. ]

No, not particularly.

[ A large 'breath' out. The noise is about the same. ]

As for the issue of Misty's concerns, I'll tell you what I told her: this isn't a matter of wanting to gossip about you two behind your backs. Nor do I have issues holding certain details back from Arthur, if I think he will be... nonconstructive.

[ He loves Arthur. He also knows Arthur can be a feral, vicious, judgmental asshole.]

My concern is with a blanket ban, or feeling as if I've betrayed you by utilizing him as a resource. He isn't your warden, and I acknowledge that. But he is my partner. And we have our own... time in the woods.

I don't want to pit myself against anyone. But I also know how I feel and what I think is... feasible.

[pitofguilt]

[ So she has to trust John. Trust that he'll know what is and isn't necessary to share with Arthur. That's... difficult. She'd said it was fine during their first talk as warden and inmate because she was focused on something else. Now that she's sitting here thinking about it, it's not quite so easy to decide.

He gets it, clearly--though not all of it. His experience goes far beyond what she went through, minus the personal connections and the human-ness of it. She debates on this for almost a full minute before meeting his gaze again. ]

If you're not sure if you should tell him something, ask me. That's fair. I don't think I can ban you from anything specific. I don't wanna come between you and Arthur.

cw substance abuse

[greatoldjohn]

[ He doesn't nod, but again, there's that feeling he is. ]

I can do that. And... would you like that to be regarding anything in your file or specifically... specifically the woods, as Misty puts it.

[ He'll make himself clear again. ]

I was concerned primarily with subjects of... substance abuse, as the file put it- my experience with them is, um, less than helpful.

[ Driving them to it, and worse, primarily. ]

[pitofguilt]

Anything in the file.

[ Any part of her life. It's not just the nineteen months in the woods that matters. There's so much Misty wasn't a part of, after all. ]

[greatoldjohn]

Understood.

And... that, specifically?

[ It's a concern for him. Considering. ]

[pitofguilt]

You can talk with Arthur about that.

[ It's not like her struggles in that area are a secret back home anyway. ]

[greatoldjohn]

All right. Thank you.

[ A sigh. And then a glance at the file. ]

I am going to keep it. But I'll keep it here, tucked somewhere safe. He won't have access to it.

[pitofguilt]

Okay. [ And because she knows cabin locks are not infallible-- ] You should lock it up. Just in case.

[ NO, she doesn't mean HERSELF. ]

[greatoldjohn]

I'll make sure that it's secured.

[ He has his own ideas of where to put it. Someplace he doubts anyone else would ever look. ]