greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

So you wanted to use drugs to get to an altered state of consciousness to help you think about it?

That was when you discovered that I'd placed that description. When you were focused on the problem...

Yes...? Kind of. I feel like I think better when I'm sobering up.

[ She plays with her food, pushing a few pieces of stir fry around with her fork for a little while, before she sighs and rolls her eyes. ]

Which is because suddenly it all comes back and I have to think about it. You doing this means I don't get to go on a little trip. I go straight to the thinking part.

'A little trip'. Hmm.

[ He's just letting her eat and he'll go to the shelf and pull out a book so it isn't Awkward. ]

How does the 'trip' help you to think more instead of just... thinking?

[ To borrow an image from Jon-- ]

Thinking without stopping feels like banging your head against the wall. It doesn't help you figure anything out.

[ Except thinking about what you've done isn't about figuring things out, and she knows that, but she just wants to get a little bit drunk please. ]

So you've been thinking non-stop about what you did and the only way for you to stop thinking about it is... to get high.

[ Why can't he just let her have this oh my god. ]

What's there to think more about? I did something stupid, I played my friend and stole to make it happen, and what came out of it is I almost killed Arthur. I don't get to decide if you or anyone sticks with me or not.

[ See? She learned! She gets it! ]

And yes, I do feel like shit over it, because you and Arthur and Misty didn't deserve that.

So you haven't actually thought about it at all. That's what I'm hearing.

[ He's paging through a book of watercolor art pieces. ]

I just told you what I've been thinking. About all of it. For days now.

[ Not... diligently, since the first one or two days, but still. ]

"What's there to think more about" is what you said. Nothing you said just now goes beyond what we first talked about on the day it happened.

[ He looks up. ]

So you haven't thought about it beyond that.

Unless you're holding back more?

Okay, fine. I broke everyone's trust. [ Except maybe Misty's, but that's a whole other thing to not deal with.

But there is more she's holding back, isn't there. What Jon got out of her, which feels like too much to say, except she already said it. To a warden who's not her own, no less.

Angry (at life in general), she puts down her fork and puts both arms on the table. ]

Warden-inmate confidentiality. [ Which maybe she doesn't deserve, but John isn't the revenge gossip type. Her file gives him enough to do that with, and he hasn't.

So. Here goes. ]

Library Jon asked me about it. The creepy asking way where I couldn't lie even if I tried. And...

[ big deep breath, and when she breathes out, the anger comes off. She feels exposed, more so than when answering Jon. ]

...I answered. I told him that it wasn't about you or Arthur or Misty. It was... that I didn't think I deserved you all being so... kind. That I wanted you to hurt me. Because that's what I deserve. And I still think you should, but you won't, so I feel like I deserve it even more now.

[ John listens, that plain mask giving away nothing while he does. And when she's done, he waits a moment more. ]

Why do you think I'm choosing not to hurt you?

Why do you think I'm choosing what I have chosen? All of it.

[ Wasn't this supposed to not be twenty questions???

But, frustration aside, she's here now, and they're doing this, so she's going to stick with it for as long as she can. ]

I don't know. Because... you don't think violence is the answer? That missing something good is better punishment than giving something bad?

Wrong on both counts.

[ He punched Dorian in the balls and he'd punch him again if he had to. John Doe will throw his hand any which way as necessary.]

You and Misty fucked here the other night, and I don't give a shit, so clearly I'm not trying to make you 'miss out'. Try again.

Edited 2022-12-06 21:33 (UTC)

I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about liquor and drugs.

[ She doesn't care that he heard. Good. It was great sex, she's not ashamed. ]

And I said what I said. Try again, Nat.

[ He turns up from his book. ]

Though I'm curious how well it went for you, thinking about what you did and why you're here the whole time while you were having sex. That must have been awkward.

[ John what the fuck. ]

Obviously, I wasn't thinking about what I did while fucking. But before that, yes. I told her the truth, and I apologized for lying to her.

[ Back to the book. ]

Then it sounds like you got a break from thinking. And you managed it without a drink or a smoke.

Since that helps you think more, you should have it solved soon enough.

[ You little fucker who is not little at all. ]

Clearly not. You're gonna have to be more blunt than you have been.

[Smooth as silk and not at all bothered, despite the addition of a curse-]

You're going to have to actually try and think about it instead of pretending you are and peddling bullshit to me.

[ A deep breath, because she doesn't want to fucking scream, and then she turns her attention back to the rice and stir fry for a while. Fine, asshole. She'll eat and think. It actually did turn out pretty good, even if the textures aren't quite right. Maybe a little more soy sauce next time, provided she remembers to deal with the meat at all next time.

Okay no fine, she's not going to think about the food. She's going to think about the lack of violence, the restrictions on where she can be and when, the complete inability to get high or drunk, and the freedom to have people over as much as she wants. This entire dinner meeting started when she demanded to know why he cut her off from her vices. Her little helpers that get her through the worst times, and sometimes even the less than worst times.

Clearly she's supposed to do this by herself, without crutches. Is that it? To lean on herself rather than her chemical supports?

She's half way through her dinner when it falls into place, the things John had said and done, the things she said to Jon. ]

I have to face this. I have to actually face this and not try to just get through it. I don't get to leave or go far away, either by walking or by using substances. I have to tough it out. I can't avoid this.

[ Dear god please let her be right. She already feels like an idiot, she can't fucking take this for much longer. ]

[ He closes the book. ]

No, you can't. You can't avoid this. You can't avoid me. This bullshit where you cut and run and don't look back?

[ A short pause and there's the feeling of his gaze on Natalie. ]

There's a reason those other tries didn't work. We're not doing that again.

I don't run. You don't run.

[ She almost makes a joke about how she couldn't get very far anyway if she did run because she's been smoking for decades, but it's not the time, and that would be an attempt to avoid things.

Bummer. It would've been funny. ]

Point taken.

[ Even though she's not thrilled about it. But that's not John's fault. ]

Can't believe I forgot the goddamn chicken.

[ Natalie you just said you're not going to avoid this oh my god. ]

[ A good thing John is good at staying on target. ]

There's a few other things you could figure out. If you wanted to.

[ But JoooOOOHHHHNNNNN.

Sighing, she looks at the food in her bowl, idly wishing she had noodles so she could twirl them around her fork. ]

You didn't use violence because it's not about using force or threats. I have to get there in my own.

[ She has so deeply buried the memories of her childhood and early teens that she doesn't even think about the way her father was, and that John is being sensitive about that. ]

What happens to you when someone uses violence on you?

[ There's a lot to it. ]

What do you like about violence?

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