greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

Well, guess what, Misty: the way you behaved?

Made it look like 'not at all'. The amount of consideration you gave? None at all. Even just not thinking I'm an abusive asshole? You couldn't manage that. For a fucking detective, you 'investigated' jack shit.

I care about Arthur more than anyone. Arthur is everything to me. But even when I knew you hurt him, I tried to hear your side. I went to you after the cup. I sympathized with you because even with how much I feel about him, I know who he is. And I know he's difficult.

So what I want to know is why the hell I wasn't given the same!

Because she said she needed me.

[Against her will, the smile cracks, and her facial muscles tremble.]

She said she needed me.

[ He's very quiet. For a long moment. And it's clear he's trying to keep his own composure. ]

So the next time she needs you, I don't matter again?

I don't know. I guess that depends on how "redeemed"--

[She jerks her hands up and makes sharp airquotes - which has the unintended effect of jostling the rat on her shoulder, which makes her lose her train of thought for a moment as she gently picks it up and settles it on her knee instead, making sure she still has a good grip on the harness leash.]

I guess that depends.

[ If he was inside of Arthur, Arthur would feel things. He'd feel the reactions John is having, hear it in the silences. But he isn't here, and the mask doesn't move. He doesn't move. ]

That's not friendship, Misty.

[ His voice is completely even, totally calm. Not a rumble to be heard.]

With what you've described... I'm not even a person unless it's convenient.

Edited 2022-12-08 15:22 (UTC)

No, that's not true, because I've known you for less than two months and I'd still screw over most of the people here for you if you asked.

[Every part of her screams at her not to admit to that - screams that it's not going to make a difference to him, that he won't care, that he's never going to accept her unless she reaches his very particular standards first. But she forces it out anyway.]

I don't think you understand how unusual that is for me! Or how much of a special case my team is.

[ His eyes flicker to the rat that she's holding. ]

Would you 'screw over most of the people here' for Hannibal?

[ He's not addressing the second part right now. He's literally been changed to the core of his being by Arthur, for Arthur. There has never been and he doubts there ever will be something like what he is, given the strange set of circumstances that created him, not to mention the choices that they've both made. He gets 'special cases'. ]

Yes. I assume you're--

[She stops, makes a face, and changes her phrasing.]

Are you making the point that it's insulting to put an animal over a person?

No, Misty.

[ His voice is... leaden. Inert. He can't let himself focus on his sadness right now. Because even now- ]

I'm making the point that I'm a pet, not a friend.

Well, it doesn't feel like that to me. And you know what? I'm sitting here trying, even though I hate how it feels. I'm trying to open myself up to you and talk about the things that I struggle with, which I hate doing. But I'm doing it, John. For you.

[ He thinks of Arthur.

He thinks of Arthur talking to him after admitting to murdering Parker.

He thinks of Arthur listening to him after he strangled Eddie.

He thinks of all the times he was an inhuman piece of shit and the patience that Arthur showed in still giving him a chance. At believing him when they showed up here, after the cult, after the King in Yellow threatened to kill him to get John back. ]

I'm going to ask you something. And I'm not going to assume anything. I'll believe what you tell me, Misty. Because we said we were going to be honest:

If Natalie told you to never talk to me again after today, would that be it?

Um, no; I don't do everything that Natalie says.

And if she told you that she needed that?

That she can't trust you the same way if you're friends with her warden.

[A pause.]

New rule! You can't walk out when I'm being honest.

I'm not going anywhere, Misty.

[Her shoulders twitch, and then de-tense just the tiniest bit - still negligible, but possibly noticeable, if one is watching for it.]

At the very least I'd have to seriously consider it, just like you would if Arthur gave you the same ultimatum about me - which seems a lot more likely, by the way! I'd need to consider all the possibilities at hand, like that she was bullshitting me like she was last week, or that she was testing my loyalty.

I can't lose her. I only just got her; I can't lose her.

[ He's watching. It's what he's good at. ]

But not how I'd feel.

I don't factor into anything.

I guess I could try to mediate and bring you into the discussion, though to be honest, I can't imagine that wouldn't go badly... would how I felt factor in if Arthur asked you to stop talking to me?

[ Yeah, here's an answer for you- ]

I'd tell him to fuck himself.

But he also never would.

Neither would Natalie. But you're honestly telling me you'd risk your relationship with Arthur for me?

[ Some heat enters his tone now. ]

Misty? She literally did. A week ago. That answer is bullshit and you know it.

Getting me to help her try to drive you away is not the same as telling me she doesn't feel comfortable with me talking to her warden. She did all that partly because she hated that we weren't talking.

[ Uggggggh the urge to be shitty is so strong right now. He knows what saying what he wants to say would do. He's not going to do it. He won't.]

Misty, it is effectively the same. Because the goal was to make me hate both of you so much I unpaired from her. Do you honestly think it would have ended up with me feeling just fine about the person who shot my partner? You being there, being a part of it, would have me hating you just as much.

Try. again.

It makes a difference because she wants us to get along. And it's just a hypothetical situation.

[ And we have graduated to shouting. Like. Full tilt. ]

THE BULLETS THAT WENT THROUGH MY HAND AND ALMOST KILLED HIM FROM BLOOD LOSS ARE NOT FUCKING HYPOTHETICAL, MISTY!

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