greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

I want to ask you if I'm the asshole in something that happened a few days ago.

Go right ahead.

Can we do this in person? It's a lot to write out.

Of course. I'm in Arthur's cabin at the moment, but I can make my way over.

I'd rather not be somewhere someone else can walk into, so yeah, I'll wait for you here.

Oh. Be right there.

[ And he won't knock before making his way in, immediately looking for Natalie. ]

[ She's in the kitchen, sitting at the table, a glass of water in front of her more as a prop than out of being thirsty. When he floats in, she acknowledges him with a look but, for once, no self-deprecating smile. ]

This is stupid, [ she mutters to herself, because she has spent the vast majority of her life not having this kind of conversation except in therapy, and in those cases, she said what she had to say to get out.

This time, she genuinely wonders if she was the asshole, though just how sorry she is, she's not sure of. ]

Okay. I texted Misty after the flood. She said she wasn't doing great about how her future self was. We talked, she wanted to stay over at mine, but she's got that curfew. So she asked Pagan if he could waive it for the night, and he said yes, but only in his cabin.

So we go there, I spend the night, and... in the morning, I decide to leave. Misty assumes it's 'cause I'm angry and doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm not. That makes me angry. She says she doesn't want me to leave yet, and I say, "that's your problem" because, what about what I want, right? I wasn't even rude when I told her I was leaving. Then she tells me I'm being a bad best friend, and I tell her I didn't know her rules on best friendship, and I leave.

The last thing I said-- that's not what I'm wondering about. That was an asshole thing to say, even if it was true. But the rest of it...

[ She looks at the mask, at John, and shrugs. ]

I wasn't fucking abandoning her. So, am I the asshole here?

[ John has a Thought. And it is that thought that has him floating his way down towards her arm in offer before he says anything else. ]

[ That's a response, though whether it's positive or negative is anyone's guess. She's not exactly relaxed as she takes the mask, but she knows she'll stop feeling so alone once she does. That's worth whatever he's going to say to her. ]

[ He's sticking to her firmly before he speaks. ]

[ Well then.

I'm no stranger to Misty assuming things, especially when it comes to anger. She assumes I'm angry pretty often; it's part of the reason we fight so much. So I can certainly understand how frustrating that can be. ]

[Then he switches tracks a little.]

[ Why did you decide to leave? ]

[ Asking questions rather than launching into an opinion is... neutral. She expected questions, though. It's just... it took her so long to get to the heart of things during her two weeks locked up in here. She doesn't want a repeat of that. ]

I needed space. Needed to breathe and be alone.

[ From her specifically or just from everyone? ]

[ She frowns as she gives it some thought. ]

Everyone. I came right here after and didn't leave for a few hours.

[ Did you tell her that? That it wasn't about her but about your need to be alone so you could breathe?

...it's not an accusation. I just wasn't there so I don't know. ]

No, 'cause she kept telling me I was pissed and saying if I weren't I would've stayed. She didn't believe me.

Back after the breach, I told her I wanted to be alone right after, and I almost had to scream to get her to listen.

[ So she created an environment where you didn't feel you could explain yourself and be believed or listened to.

Do you often feel like Misty doesn't listen to you? To what you're actually saying? Or is it only when there's conflict? ]

Exactly. She immediately assumed the worst and wouldn't let it go.

[ She sighs, running a hand through her hair. ]

I don't know. When we're fighting, yeah. Other times... no? Not on the Barge, anyway.

[ Aha. ]

[ Not on the Barge... but back at home? ]

[ A little scoff. ]

Yeah. Followed me to a restaurant when I told her I had plans-- stalked me there, actually, 'cause I never told her where I was going. Came up with a goddamn code for knocking on the door when I told her we didn't need it.

[ To say nothing of how she stole the battery cables from her car and texted Kevyn behind her back pretending to be her and put a fucking spycam in her room-- ]

She gets shit in her head, and you can't fucking get through to her.

[ Believe me, I know. ]

[ But he doesn't want to make this about Misty. For a lot of reasons. ]

[ What do you think has changed? Or do you think it has changed, since it still happens? ]

Well, we're not just using each other anymore. We actually like hanging out together. We're best friends. But that doesn't mean we can't want space sometimes.

[ She's not quite aware that's defensive, because from her perspective, she's explaining herself. ]

[ He considers how he wants to say this. ]

[ You said 'we'. But it seems more like 'you', in this case. You want space sometimes. And she doesn't understand why that is, or misunderstands it as a sign that you think she's done something wrong, that you want to hurt her for some reason.

Have you talked about your need for space when you weren't already needing it? ]

[ That feels like getting splashed with ice cold water. It's true. She's the one who wanted space, while Misty wanted more time together. ]

...no. I haven't. Only when I really needed to be alone.

[ ...when you have the least amount of patience and the most amount of need to get away from her. Need that makes you say things that hurt her, which just reinforces the idea that you're actually punishing her and don't want to admit it. ]

Fuck. [ The swear comes out in a sigh. ] I'm the asshole.

[ Because he's right. She's only ever asked for space when she's on the edge of panicking. When she panics, she runs, and she does not stop to see who or what gets knocked over in the process.

She puts her head in her hands, elbows on the table, and breathes deeply. It doesn't really occur to her that she wants to stay here hidden away with John, as opposed to running away from him too. ]

I don't wanna hurt her. I just need... space. A lot more than she does. And a lot more often.

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