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[ The implications of what that month entailed make her stop once she's a few steps inside. Arthur in a coma. John Doe. ]

Shit. [ And with Arthur in a coma-- ] You were alone.

[ The file can wait, this feels heavy to her. ]

[ A pause, and he has no intention of skipping over a moment of empathy. If her journey is to be anything at all like his, and he gets the feeling that some of it will tread the same path, he won't discount it or push it aside. Connection comes from both directions. ]

Yes and no. There was a nurse there. Her name was... Lily. She was the first human I had encountered that I didn’t need anything from. The first time I didn’t have the desire, let alone the ability, to enact my will through her. Instead, I found myself depending on her. Depending on her warmth and compassion. Her routines and schedule. I began to hope that she would come back, and in that hope came the simple realization that I was, for the first time since my inception, alone. And it frightened me.

[ This feels... vulnerable. Uncomfortably so. But if he's going to ask her to do so, he has to be willing to do the same. Teamwork. Partnership. He'll show her.]

Before I was in your world, I was trapped in the Dark World. It's is a nightmarish, cruel plane, one that haunts my waking thoughts, but it is not empty. Far from it. It is the place where the detritus of all worlds collects, all that is dead and lost, hell by any other name, and I was there for untold lifetimes, broken off from the wholeness of myself.

Lily... helped me see what was right in front of me. I found meaning. I found that the challenges of life within the boundaries of death were not only acceptable, but could be meaningful. That without a purpose I could forge my own. It... helped me to realize what I had right in front of me. Who... I had.

Edited 2022-11-15 23:07 (UTC)

[ Yep, that's heavy. And deep, and all the kinds of things that activate her flight response and send her running. She won't run now, but she won't actually address it either. ]

Good thing you had her.

[ ...it might've been better to stay on that topic, because now she's faced with reading her file.

It's so stupid, how a folder whose contents she knows because she lived them scares her so much. She looks at like it could bite her, but she has to do this. For one, John might bully her into it; and for another, she really should start keeping her word. So, with a deep breath, she takes a seat at the table and starts to go through it.

Reading about herself feels strange. There's her home life growing up, her love of music and soccer, how incredibly good she and the rest of the team were, and the crash that took all of it from her. Her plans, her future, hope itself. Nineteen months isolated from the rest of the world, hunting and gathering and scavenging, becoming a world unto themselves, and eventually... the worst they've ever done and ever will do. That part she barely skims, and she treats the pages about the next twenty-five years much the same. Those last few weeks in Jersey are where she slows down again, noting the details that were put in and left out, until the last hour or so-- no, those last few minutes.

She lets out a shaky breath. Cultists, wearing the symbol like it's something to be proud of. ]

Well, that's... thorough. [ She shuts the folder and looks up at John. ] It's all there.

There's... there's not that much about Misty in it. [ The reason she's here, discussing the file at all: to know what John might know that Arthur shouldn't, especially where Misty is concerned. ] I didn't think there would be. We didn't spend a lot of time together when we were out there.

[ They weren't really friends back then. ]

She told you not to tell Arthur anything about the wilderness?

[ That response... it raises his hackles a little, especially after sharing something he hadn't even told to Arthur.

No, she hadn't come here to work on things with him, to go through the file as part of their partnership.

She'd come to protect Misty.

From him.

He feels...very cold, and his eyes wander to the other door again. The one that isn't the bathroom. He doesn't say anything until she addresses him directly.

The question-

He's quiet for a moment as he strangles down the urge to fight. Fighting Natalie right now won't help anyone, no matter how cornered he feels.]

Yes.

[ She doesn't quite catch that shift, not yet, not so soon after reading all of that. She looks at the folder again, weighing a few options. ]

I'm not sure you can do that. And I'm...

[ After what he said, about having to leave Arthur alone should the worst happen, which would put both of them at a disadvantage, she can't just ban him from telling Arthur anything. If someone had told her to stay away from Travis, she wouldn't have. Hell, she didn't even when he all but told her that. ]

I'm not exactly excited for someone else to know all of this, but I can't ask you to just stay away from Arthur like that.

Right.

[ He's here but... He hardly think his contributions, his feelings, what he thinks are of a concern to her for the moment. Better just to let her go through it and make the decision she wants to make.

He'll be here regardless, after all. ]

[ Now she notices. She turns in her seat so she's facing him fully. ]

What.

[ He looks back. ]

I'm listening.

But you're not talking. You're not saying anything.

[ She hadn't known him for long, but she knows he can and does say quite a lot. ]

If I did something to piss you off, tell me. I'm not psychic.

You didn't piss me off, Natalie. I think you know well enough I don't hide when I'm pissed off.

[ He looks to the file for a moment before turning back to her. ]

I'm not saying much of anything because I'm trying not to influence you. You didn't come here about your file for us to work.

You came to check what I know for Misty.

So I'm staying out of it.

No, I came here because we agreed that I would, before Misty argued with you about Arthur. After that, you said we'd go over it and then decide what to do about--

[ Wait a minute. Now she gets it. She rolls her eyes and sighs and manages not to drag a hand down her face. ]

I jumped the gun. [ She says it like a teenager who's been caught and has to confess because she's got no other choice. ] Fine. I did, I skipped ahead. But then you assumed.

~~[ Oh like you don't assume too? Smh. ]~~

You went to one-word answers like some-- moody teenager.

You didn't seem interested in what I had to say.

[ Quietly hurt, but it's not angry or cold. It's tired. ]

I was waiting to see if that changed.

[ She's paying him her full attention now, so the hurt comes through, washing away her rough facade like waves slowly erasing writing on sand. ]

I was interested. I am. It's just-- [ There's the tiniest ember of anger there, and she grabs hold because she knows it will get her through, even if she directs that anger toward herself.

Which she does. ] I didn't know what to say.

Why is that?

[ Not an accusation. Curiously. Even a little concerned. ]

'Cause it's... you were alone, stuck in Arthur's body, for an entire month. And this one nurse you couldn't even talk to, she... helped you.

[ She's great at this, isn't she. She's internally facepalming at herself. Externally, she sighs and shrugs. ]

It's just so heavy. I know what it's like to be trapped somewhere, but not by myself. And you made it out better for it.

[ Whereas... well. The file speaks for itself. ]

That time. The times I left the Dark World before Arthur, I was usually destructive. I told you how I killed his partner; it was the first thing I did once I was out.

I killed the others before that, other people who picked up the book. I was... desperate to get out of that place, and when I found resistance, when they threatened my fragile control, I realize now, I stamped out those lives without a thought.

[ He lets that hang in the air for a moment before he continues.]

I made it out better that time because I was forced to examine everything I was and everything I had been. Forced to consider what I had, what was important, what the fuck I was doing with my existence. With my life.

Edited 2022-11-16 14:21 (UTC)

[ It isn't the same at all, but the nightmarish prison that is the Dark World reminds Natalie of the wilderness, in that it's... maddening. Terrifying. Constant fear, constant yearning to get out-- ]

You weren't in the Dark World when Arthur was in a coma. You... had the time to think. With none of the garbage of the Dark World to deal with.

[ She's trying here. It's not that she lacks empathy. It's just so incredibly outside the realm of... human experience, she guesses. ]

[ John, in all seriousness, hopes she never encounters the Dark World or anything like it. He doesn't want that for anyone, not even the person he hates the most on this ship. ]

Mmmhmm.

[ He doesn't nod but that's definitely the impression he's giving.]

I had someone who showed me kindness. Time and space for me to examine myself. And something to hope for. Someone who I decided... was worth all of it.

[ He considers if he needs to explain, then decides it would probably be best.]

You've been in your own Dark World before. And when you've been through something like that, it's easier to react... a certain way afterwards. To keep surviving.

But it isn't necessarily good for you. Or for people around you.

I thought maybe you'd want to know my experience with it before you opened the file.

Edited 2022-11-16 15:12 (UTC)

[ Well now she just feels like she was a complete asshole.

Someone showed him kindness, and that changed him. Or it initiated the change in him. It is, once again, something she can't say she's ever had. Except now, even he is showing her kindness. He's being patient. He's opening up about something personal and deep. It feels so fucking weird that all she wants to do is run and hide until she can think about it without feeling like she might fall to pieces.

But she can't, not when she's already done it and seen how it hurt him. So she takes a deep breath and stays where she is. ]

When they rescued us, it was... surreal. It was hard to sleep at night because it felt like I was still there, like something could just come and attack. I didn't have to go hunt anymore, I... didn't know what to do. I only really talked with the others. [ Mostly with Travis, if she's honest. ]

I didn't realize that you know what it's like, to... not trust life, after getting out.

[ To but trust oneself. She hasn't ever since, because she has kept running and running from it, from the darkness inside. ]

Sorry I dismissed you like that. I... wasn't thinking about why you were telling me.

It's all right.

[ It's probably odd, hearing that strange and otherworldly voice being... gentle. Caring. But that is undoubtedly what it is. John isn't mad and he isn't placating her. He's accepting her, as she is. As they are, to some degree.]

We got through it. And it's not a bad example of what I mean.

Experiences like that... 'thinking' or... 'examining' things that are a lot, too much... it's counter to survival. Anything that could make you hesitate or weigh you down... fighting it is one option, but the easiest one is just to avoid it. Keep moving.

I get it.

[ Another pause. ]

And thank you for sharing. It sounds... painful. I'm sorry you had to go through that, even if it was better than being... where you were.

[ It takes a lot of effort not to shoot off a sarcastic response to that. You didn't get that from the file? It's not about the knowledge of what happened. It's about the experience of it, about her telling him. It feels like therapy right now, so while she's complying, it's not quite to the extent she should be. She's a while away from that yet. ]

Can't run away from it here. [ She shrugs, more for her own sake than at him. ] That's kinda the point, isn't it.

[ Oh no. Effort in a partnership. Never before has he had to do such a thing. ]

No, not particularly.

[ A large 'breath' out. The noise is about the same. ]

As for the issue of Misty's concerns, I'll tell you what I told her: this isn't a matter of wanting to gossip about you two behind your backs. Nor do I have issues holding certain details back from Arthur, if I think he will be... nonconstructive.

[ He loves Arthur. He also knows Arthur can be a feral, vicious, judgmental asshole.]

My concern is with a blanket ban, or feeling as if I've betrayed you by utilizing him as a resource. He isn't your warden, and I acknowledge that. But he is my partner. And we have our own... time in the woods.

I don't want to pit myself against anyone. But I also know how I feel and what I think is... feasible.

Edited 2022-11-16 18:25 (UTC)

[ So she has to trust John. Trust that he'll know what is and isn't necessary to share with Arthur. That's... difficult. She'd said it was fine during their first talk as warden and inmate because she was focused on something else. Now that she's sitting here thinking about it, it's not quite so easy to decide.

He gets it, clearly--though not all of it. His experience goes far beyond what she went through, minus the personal connections and the human-ness of it. She debates on this for almost a full minute before meeting his gaze again. ]

If you're not sure if you should tell him something, ask me. That's fair. I don't think I can ban you from anything specific. I don't wanna come between you and Arthur.

[ He doesn't nod, but again, there's that feeling he is. ]

I can do that. And... would you like that to be regarding anything in your file or specifically... specifically the woods, as Misty puts it.

[ He'll make himself clear again. ]

I was concerned primarily with subjects of... substance abuse, as the file put it- my experience with them is, um, less than helpful.

[ Driving them to it, and worse, primarily. ]

Anything in the file.

[ Any part of her life. It's not just the nineteen months in the woods that matters. There's so much Misty wasn't a part of, after all. ]

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cw substance abuse

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