greatoldjohn | TLV Inbox

No, John.

[She says, blowing out a frustrated breath.]

I want to have a conversation. I didn't prepare a speech.

Okay. Well. What would you like to talk about?

I-- is that a trick question? What happened, obviously.

No, it's not a trick question. [ That comes out just a little huffy. ]

But you're the one who said you wanted to discuss things in person. That there were things you wouldn't discuss over the communicators. So... let's talk about them.

I want to have a serious talk about what happened, but you're totally brick-walling me, John! It's not a conversation if you're just sitting there saying "Okay" and "What else?"

I don't know what you want to talk about! You made out like you were holding back all these big questions or big pronouncements but you didn't want to put it over the communicator! I'm trying to give you space to ask what you want!

Okay, well, what did we say about assuming! There is a lot that I want to have a discussion about, but it's hard to do that when you've barely responded to anything I've said so far.

[She uncurls herself, planting her feet on the ground and leaning forward, hands knotted into fists in her lap.]

It's not assuming when you literally told me three times in the last discussion that we couldn't discuss something because you wanted to discuss it in person!

[ That's grumbled out. ]

And I'll say something when literally anything you say actually addresses me. So far, the only thing you've said about me is that I don't deserve to be shot.

So, I said I wanted to talk with you in person about what happened, and you assumed that meant I was hiding a secret I was preparing a big reveal for, when really I just didn't want to have an emotional, in-depth conversation about it over text, immediately after it happened. The emotional, in-depth text conversation about everything else was trying enough.

[A tight, uncomfortable smile spreads across her face, and her fingers twist together more tightly.]

At first, I struggled with the idea of regretting any of what happened, because Natalie was upset and distressed. Helping people I care about when they're upset and distressed is very important to me. One of the reasons why I'm an inmate seems to be that I do things most people don't like when I try to help people I care about. Do you have anything to say about that, John?

It is not a fucking assumption to take you at your word, Misty.

[ He's annoyed. That's bullshit and he's annoyed by her ASSUMING he was assuming anything. But he's keeping his volume... down. Ish. ]

As I didn't assume you had any secret. You're assuming that. What I thought you had were questions or thoughts or feelings that you felt weren't appropriate for the network, which is what you outright told me. I'm trying not to crowd you or put you in a corner or deal with something you're not ready to deal with yet. I'm trying to make sure you can ask or say what you want to me to help you figure out how you feel.

[ That's a growl, but he's keeping his temper. Barely. ]

And all I'm going to point out is just how much that whole explanation makes it sound a whole lot like you don't care about me.

I'm not assuming anything. But nothing you've said so far mentions caring about me. So I can't assume that.

Edited 2022-12-08 05:27 (UTC)

And I'm telling you that you misunderstood what I said.

[The smile widens, and behind it, her teeth grit.]

And I am trying to have a conversation about those thoughts and feelings that weren't appropriate for the network now.

Why does it make it sound like I don't care about you? Because Natalie said she needed me and I put her first?

[ Okay, that's it- ]

Because you're fucking smiling!

[ A lower growl. ]

Because nothing you've said since you got here has been about me, or what I feel. Nothing you've said has shown even an ounce of consideration for how it made me feel, for how you made me feel, how it felt to have both of you conspire against me, both of you hurting Arthur because of me, and you deciding without even trying a single fucking time to ask me what the fuck was going on or what happened that I would ever do something like that to Natalie.

I bent over backwards to assure you that I'd never believe you were trying to hurt her and even when I was fucking pissed at you, I never stopped treating you that way. And you didn't give me that courtesy. And if you do care, you sure as fuck haven't said anything about it. Everything you've said has been about you and Natalie. It's not assuming you don't care about me compared to her when that is literally what you've done.

Edited 2022-12-08 05:40 (UTC)

I'm a little stressed right now.

[It's a massive understatement; she's a tightly coiled spring. The rat nibbles lightly on her earlobe, and her shoulders loosen just the tiniest bit, a tiny enough bit that it's almost negligible.]

Of course I care about Natalie more than you! I care about Natalie more than almost anybody, just like you care about Arthur more than anybody. That isn't the same as not caring at all, obviously.

Well, guess what, Misty: the way you behaved?

Made it look like 'not at all'. The amount of consideration you gave? None at all. Even just not thinking I'm an abusive asshole? You couldn't manage that. For a fucking detective, you 'investigated' jack shit.

I care about Arthur more than anyone. Arthur is everything to me. But even when I knew you hurt him, I tried to hear your side. I went to you after the cup. I sympathized with you because even with how much I feel about him, I know who he is. And I know he's difficult.

So what I want to know is why the hell I wasn't given the same!

Because she said she needed me.

[Against her will, the smile cracks, and her facial muscles tremble.]

She said she needed me.

[ He's very quiet. For a long moment. And it's clear he's trying to keep his own composure. ]

So the next time she needs you, I don't matter again?

I don't know. I guess that depends on how "redeemed"--

[She jerks her hands up and makes sharp airquotes - which has the unintended effect of jostling the rat on her shoulder, which makes her lose her train of thought for a moment as she gently picks it up and settles it on her knee instead, making sure she still has a good grip on the harness leash.]

I guess that depends.

[ If he was inside of Arthur, Arthur would feel things. He'd feel the reactions John is having, hear it in the silences. But he isn't here, and the mask doesn't move. He doesn't move. ]

That's not friendship, Misty.

[ His voice is completely even, totally calm. Not a rumble to be heard.]

With what you've described... I'm not even a person unless it's convenient.

Edited 2022-12-08 15:22 (UTC)

No, that's not true, because I've known you for less than two months and I'd still screw over most of the people here for you if you asked.

[Every part of her screams at her not to admit to that - screams that it's not going to make a difference to him, that he won't care, that he's never going to accept her unless she reaches his very particular standards first. But she forces it out anyway.]

I don't think you understand how unusual that is for me! Or how much of a special case my team is.

[ His eyes flicker to the rat that she's holding. ]

Would you 'screw over most of the people here' for Hannibal?

[ He's not addressing the second part right now. He's literally been changed to the core of his being by Arthur, for Arthur. There has never been and he doubts there ever will be something like what he is, given the strange set of circumstances that created him, not to mention the choices that they've both made. He gets 'special cases'. ]

Yes. I assume you're--

[She stops, makes a face, and changes her phrasing.]

Are you making the point that it's insulting to put an animal over a person?

No, Misty.

[ His voice is... leaden. Inert. He can't let himself focus on his sadness right now. Because even now- ]

I'm making the point that I'm a pet, not a friend.

Well, it doesn't feel like that to me. And you know what? I'm sitting here trying, even though I hate how it feels. I'm trying to open myself up to you and talk about the things that I struggle with, which I hate doing. But I'm doing it, John. For you.

[ He thinks of Arthur.

He thinks of Arthur talking to him after admitting to murdering Parker.

He thinks of Arthur listening to him after he strangled Eddie.

He thinks of all the times he was an inhuman piece of shit and the patience that Arthur showed in still giving him a chance. At believing him when they showed up here, after the cult, after the King in Yellow threatened to kill him to get John back. ]

I'm going to ask you something. And I'm not going to assume anything. I'll believe what you tell me, Misty. Because we said we were going to be honest:

If Natalie told you to never talk to me again after today, would that be it?

Um, no; I don't do everything that Natalie says.

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